These Are The Voyages...

I'm going to come out and say it:

I was a fan of Enterprise.

As a twelve year old growing up in the first year of a post-9/11 world, it provided a level of escapism for me. Of course, being trapped by that escapism, I failed to realize (or if I did, deeply suppressed it) that the first two seasons...SUCKED. It was worse than Voyager. Archer was a colossal idiot that I am starting to think was created solely to make Janeway look good. In the first season alone, he betrayed Earth's only ally, nearly started a war between Vulcan and Andorian, essentially condemned a race to extinction, and made more enemies than friends. I'll go in-depth to these incidents later on.

Season 3 really picked up. The Xindi arc had me glued to my couch. Season 4 was a massive improvement. Then, the morning after United, I saw on startrek.com that the show was cancelled. My dad thought it was a joke. I hoped they could get as many Federation-founding related stuff before the finale. The mirror episodes and the Terra Prime arc were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Then...the finale.

When it was over, I think I was trying to hide the fact that it was so awful. It is the final insult that Rick Berman and Brannon Braga bestowed upon the fans that had followed for eighteen years. It's almost as though duplicates of them that had written Threshold and A Night In Sickbay got together to write the absolute worst forty minutes of Star Trek ever. Considering that until JJ Abrams decides what's next, this is essentially the final episode of Star Trek ever. It deserved better than this. It NEEDED better than this. Now, before I go mad and start killing cops on the street of Liberty City, let's get this episode done.

So, we open on the good ol' NX-01. First thing we notice is that everything is different. The uniforms, the personalities, even Hoshi's hair. Hmm, I wonder if she came out of the closet during the interim six years that we will probably never see... It could also explain why both she and Ensign "I've Been In Space!" Mayweather are still ensigns.

Anyway, it's about a week before the historic founding of the United Federation of Planets. Archer seems to have completely done away with his jerkassness and is writing his speech. Make note to mentions of his speech. Suddenly, the intercom tells all senior officers to report to the bridge. Which is odd...considering almost all officers are on the bridge. We then see...Commander Riker.

Ensign Riker: I saved everyone from

the Borg, and this is the thanks I get?

Oops. I'm sorry. I seem to have popped in an episode of TNG. Wait...if this is TNG, where's the opening with the Enterprise-D?

No, it turns out that...sadly...THIS is the finale of Enterprise. The crew of the NX-01 are reduced to holodeck representations of them. It's actually a Riker and Troi subplot, from the TNG episode Pegasus. A subplot, which is completely unnecessary and even seems to contradict events of that episode. We followed Riker for almost the entirety of Pegasus, and this suggests that he spent all his time on the holodeck. Who the hell was Admiral John Locke talking to all that time?

Riker and Troi make some admirations for the NX-01 crew, with Troi suggesting that he take the role of Chef. Chef was like Morn; he was the character everyone talked about, but we never saw. There are rumours that we never saw him because he was going to be played by William Shatner. Talk about a missed moment of awesome.

Anyway, thanks to the wonders of exposition, Archer says that Shran has been dead for three years, only to find him alive. Commander Shran, Hero of the Imperial Guard, Savior of Earth, Architect of the Coalition of Planets...has become a thief. Yes, Berman and Braga have ruined one of Star Trek's best recurring characters with off-screen exposition. Makes me wish Brunt will revoke their business licenses.

From hero to zero. Makes perfect sense!

As it turns out, Shran left the Imperial Guard because he made some "deals with people he shouldn't have". Archer still owes him a favour (from...what was it, six years prior?) and reveals that he had a daughter, who has been kidnapped. The girls is the daughter of Jhamel, from The Aenar, who Shran got with right after his girlfriend was killed. I guess Andorians have a very short rebound period.

Shran comes aboard and explains his problem. This scene completely destroys the character. Why would a decorated officer of an elite military need to resort to shady business deals? Also, this guy spent months searching for Enterprise in the Expanse. Some common thieves took his daughter in the middle of the night while he was in the next room. Really, Shran? Combat veteran, and you can't even protect your own daughter? If they were looking for you, shouldn't you keep her in the same room as yourself?

Riker becomes Chef and has a heart-to-heart with T'Pol. For some reason, the focus of this episode is Commander Tucker, who we learn in THIS episode dropped out of college and learned about engineering from motor boats. While Starfleet trains its officers in warp drive technology, I would think they would want to get people with a strong grasp of mathematics. If I was Dean of Admissions, I'd throw him to guard duty. Back to this "scene", T'Pol discusses how she's embraced that humans follow their instinct rather than orders. A very nice bit, if it were not for the fact that this issue has already been addressed! In Redemption, Data followed his instinct, exposing the Romulan involvement, and was congratulated by Picard for following his instinct.

I'm going to mostly skip the TNG scenes, even though that's where the focus of the episode is (and the focus of Enterprise is Trip, of all people). Riker and Troi take a look around the NX-01, marveling at the technology that makes the cardboard sets of TNG seem outdated. Riker complains that there is no chair for the XO. Hmm. I'll hand it to the set designers of Enterprise. The bridge is similar to that of the Defiant, quite possibly the one ship that beats even the Enterprise in a match of awesomeness. The captain is the one in the center, no one else just the captain. I guess we know where Sisko got the inspiration for the design of his
bridge.

The two go to engineering, where Tucker is working on the warp reactor. Reed gives a little homage to TNG by saying "all good things". Then, Troi is saddened that Tucker didn't know he wouldn't come back.

I will divert a moment for this random image of River Song.

Spoilers!

Braga...please stop with the spoilers. You failed to do it with Genesis and you've failed with this episode.

So, back to this "episode". Shran has T'Pol build a replica of some gem that the thieves believe he stole. The meeting point is going to be on Rigel X, which Archer points out, was the first planet that they ever visited and now it will be the last. For all the faults of this episode, I kind of do like this touch of poetry.

Tucker: I just want to watch you guys.
T'Pol: Trip, two's great but three's a crowd.

Riker takes a role as one of the MACOs, the space marines that came aboard Enterprise during Season 3. T'Pol and Tucker have a little chat. Tucker is still upset that T'Pol left him for Hoshi. Nevertheless, he still intends on coming to their wedding on Vulcan. Although same-sex marriages are quite common on both Earth and Vulcan, an interspecies wedding is beyond even the Vulcans. Still, for helping him get over the loss of his sister, Tucker vows that he will help lead the protests for interspecies equality.

Like that scene? Well, it didn't happen in the episode. They talk about their Season 3 romance as though they haven't spoken about it in six years. It's nice when you are able to come up with something better than what the writers had agreed on.

T'Pol and Shran go in to meet the thieves. The head thieve makes a diplomacy botch and believes T'Pol to be Shran's mate. I'm impressed by the restrain T'Pol had in not kicking his ass with that super-lesbian strength! Now, why am I calling both T'Pol and Hoshi lesbians? Because this is a horrible episode and I am trying to pass the time by making stuff up (and quite frankly, a gay character on the show is long overdue)!

The thieves hand Shran's daughter over and we get our last firefight between the MACOs and the thieves. Tucker nearly dies...oh, this must be the death Troi was talking about! Wait, no, Archer saves his ass. They all make it back to the ship. Shran and his daughter will soon leave, with the thieves' ships unable to get to Warp 2. Warp 2 is much slower than Warp 7, which is the Enterprise's new speed limit. Remember that.

Back to the TNG episode, Riker goes to Troi to tell her about the Pegasus project. This scene pretty much serves to establish that Section 31 had a hand in the cloaking device. NEXT! We get Riker back in the mess hall, talking to the NX-01 officers about Trip. Braga, next time you write a finale episode, make it about the ENTIRE CAST, not just one character who has his job despite not being able to solve basic algebra.

Archer and Tucker have some scotch on their last night on board. Suddenly, the aliens arrive! They confront Archer and Tucker and...during that entire time, Reed and the MACOs, who are the best soldiers of the Earth's Infantry Forces, are nowhere in sight. Tucker then does some stupid heroic sacrifice to save Archer and dies.

Sorry, Trip. These plasma burns aren't a preexisting
condition. Your insurance won't cover it.

Because this episode is so universally hated by both the fans and the actors themselves, there are books (I quasi-consider some of the books to be canon) that indicate this holodeck is a revisionist fabrication. Tucker did not die, but the records were altered because he was assigned to Section 31 to steal some Romulan technology. That's a good version, because Tucker is killed off just like Data: killed off for the sake of getting killed off! Nice move once again, Berman!

We then cut to T'Pol packing Tucker's things. Archer comes in, and...just after one of their most trusted friends has died, neither are breaking a tear. After that...Tucker comes in to visit Chef Riker. And from their dialogue, this is from before they met Shran. So, why would Riker suddenly go all the way back to the beginning, for no reason than to confuse the audience? Well...no idea.

Now, to the Founding Ceremony of the Federation. Throughout the episode, there was talk that Archer is working really hard on his speech. Wow, this speech must be really great! Troi says that she had to memorize it in grammar school! Only three minutes left in the episode, will it be enough for a speech that hopefully will not have any gazelles? I sure hope so! Archer has one last hug with T'Pol (which seems to be the most uncaring hug ever given), who was unable to reserve a seat next to Hoshi in time. Archer has his dress shirt on. He exits the waiting room with great poise and...

The NX-01 flies into space, far away from Rick Berman
and Brannon Braga.

Riker is ready to talk to Picard about the Pegasus. Wow, Berman and Braga. Way to spit in the face of the fans by not showing one of the greatest moments in the Star Trek universe. Then, we have Picard, Kirk, and Archer giving the "Space, the final frontier speech". I guess, they just wanted the Enterprise captains but...why not just have Archer give the entire speech? We've already heard the whole thing from Kirk and Picard! It's Archer's show! Let him say the thing!

GOD, was this a horrible episode! In addition to Threshold and some crossover film called "Star Trek-V", this episode has unofficially been struck from canon. You wanna know how I would end the episode? Have Archer give his speech, and then reveal that a classroom of children are watching it. The teacher asks a question. A young boy with brown hair answers in a Midwest accent. With it correct, the teacher says "Very good, James."

Rating for this episode is the same as John "Bluto" Blutarsky's grade point average: 0.0. 


The NX-01 crew: where are they now?

Jonathan Archer served for two terms as President.
He is remembered as one of the worst leaders ever.

T'Pol and Hoshi Sato got married on Vulcan.

They cared for young Sarek, inspiring him to marry a human.

Charles Tucker III died. For more information, contact
the Deputy Director of Internal Affairs.

Malcolm Reed succeeded President Archer and managed to
fix the economy and stop a war with the Klingons.

Travis Mayweather piloted the first ship to Warp 8.8
He was never seen or heard from again.

Phlox lost his medical licence after an incident involving
a human, a Pyrithian bat and a targ which went to a bar...

Shran had a three-way with a Ferengi and a Vorta.
Absolutely nothing came of it.

Course: Oblivion

Oh boy.

When I think of Voyager, what comes to mind is "wasted potential". A crew is stranded thousands of lightyears from home and at maximum warp, it will take 70 years to get back (luckily, Janeway factored in all the stars, planets, and supernovae that would distract her). I was a big fan of LOST, another show with roughly the same idea and you cannot count how many times they shook up the status quo. Voyager wasted all those opportunities: from Chakotay relieving her of command to settling down somewhere before being driven off. To me, that was its greatest flaw: always being reset to how it was at the start of those 40 minutes. Little to no character development and the only thing that changed was how close they were to Earth.

The episode opens with, get this, Tom and Torres getting married. The last wedding on Star Trek was Klingon, so even though Torres is half-Klingon, they're forgoing the "painsticks" (which...we didn't even see the last time we saw a Klingon get married). The Doctor takes pics, Seven of Boobs catches the bouquet, and Harry gets to play his clarinet. Everyone is so happy and throwing rice, I'm sure nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong! But, as the oh-so-subtle scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaary sloooooooooooooooooo-mooooooooooooooo shows us, the ship is getting warped for some reason. We see this by witnessing rice that was thrown falling through the floor. In their state of euphoria, no one notices this. Yep, the crew of Voyager, who cannot literally identify manure without a tricorder, do not notice that the floor is suddenly completely clean.

The iCam, it's a film camera
and can hold fifty songs!

Captain's Log: It's been five years since I made the stupid decision to strand everyone here, and put down that off-screen uprising. Thanks to some techno-stuff, we have a new warp drive that will get us home in two years. I wish the crew would stop asking how this device was never brought up until right now.

So, Captain KATHRYN Janeway and Chakotay discuss their plan to get home. At speeds they're going, they can drop by the center of the galaxy and meet God...oh wait, there was no fifth film. Anyway, Neelix (oh crap, Neelix) tries to sell off one of his holoprograms to Tom for the honeymoon, a feeble attempt to make him seem like Quark. At least Quark had class. Tom then says he's going to take his honeymoon on Earth, because it has the absolute best vacation sites in the galaxy. You know, Tom, Neelix may be an idiot, but he kind of has a point in trying something exotic before getting back to the real thing. Congrats, Neelix! You have one point!

Torres then goes to leave Seven of Boobs in charge of the engine room. Of course, the "oh crap" light goes off, and the two go down to investigate. As Seven caught the bouquet, Torres goes in to ask who the lucky guy is. Interesting, how Seven spent her entire young life in the Borg, possessing the entire knowledge of the collective, and does not even seem to know the tradition of catching the bouquet. They see that the Jeffries tubes are being warped. Someone sound the "Holy SHIT!" alarm!

Who let Neelix into the weapon of
mass destruction locker?

So, Torres eventually comes down with a case of Dying Syndrome. As it turns out, the entire crew seems to be infected and will soon die off. Duh-duh-DUUUUUUUUH!!! However, in another of-out-character moment, Neelix states that everything that was brought on board Voyager over the last few weeks, including plants and trilithium (which can destroy stars), is perfectly fine. Chakotay and Tuvok, who are the most competent people on the ship, begin to backtrack Voyager's route over the last year. To do this, they go to Voyager's War Room, I mean Astrometrics.

Paris continues to stand over his dying wife. Tom goes into a bunch of tear-jerking facts about their Roarin' 20s honeymoon. I'm sorry, but I find it a bit unrealistic that someone from the 24th Century would know this much about a period 400 years ago. There's also the matter that they refer to the 20th Century as part of "ancient Earth", but that's a discussion for another time. The "she's dying!" meter goes off and the Doctor is unable to save Torres. Not even his sonic screwdriver could save her. Unlike in Threshold, he will begin an autopsy immediately to figure out what happened.

I'm impressed. For the first time, we're seeing a high level of competence in the Voyager crew. And all it took was a few of them to die off...

And then we get the twist...uh, midpoint? Chakotay and Tuvok had backtracked Voyager to the Demon planet, from Demon. After some exposition on an episode from the previous year, they go to sickbay and tell the Doctor to inject Torres' corpse with something, after finding that she is essentially comprised of starship fuel. As it turns out, the entire crew and the ship itself are the duplicates from Demon.

Friend Bear, the Caring Meter is down!

Thank you, writers, for revealing what could have been a rather interesting plot twist half-way through the episode. Now that we learn that the crew of Voyager are just copies, and that the real ship must still be out there as this isn't the finale, we may as well tune out. But, we're only half-way through the episode and should probably finish.

Like most captains, Not-Captain KATHRYN Janeway asks her officers to put all options out on the table. Not-Chakotay says that there is only one option: head back to the Demon planet. With that, even Not-Chakotay shows that he is a more competent leader. Sadly, Not-Janeway decides that the best thing to do is to suck it up and continue to head for Earth, a planet that is still two years away and the ship is coming apart at such a rate it won't even survive the next twenty minutes.

Let me discuss Janeway a bit. A friend of mine is a devoted follower of her, and claims that my low opinion of her resides in "deep-rooted misogynistic feelings" at the idea of a woman having authority over men. Of course, every single woman who was an officer, or even an NCO, in the history of Star Trek had authority over at least half the ship, regardless of gender. Now, my problem with Janeway is that she doesn't think everything through. Not-Janeway insists the best course is to continue heading in a direction that will most likely result in killing them all, instead of turning around and have a chance at survival. Even the real Janeway is like this: when they installed a slipstream drive that propelled them 20,000ly but was highly dangerous, she orders it disassembled rather than conducting further study to see if they can make it safer. That's like completely scrapping the space program after a few rockets blew up!

How do these Death Panels work again?

So, Not-Janeway decides to look for a Demon planet and reverse the damage, instead of going back. They come across one planet, but as we all know, the Delta Quadrant is extremely picky about its planets. It takes the death of Not-Chakotay to convince Not-Janeway to head back to where they came from. Congrats, Not-Janeway! Had you followed the advice of your executive officer, he may still be alive.


With that, things get from screwed to fraked. The Not-Doctor is off-line, so Not-Janeway makes the Not-Kitchen Führer the new medical officer. After a problem with the nav-deflector (ah, the nav-deflector, what CAN'T it do?), Not-Neelix proceeds to celebrate, only to find that Not-Janeway is dead. And there was much rejoicing.

Who would have though Harry, of all
people, would be Last Man Standing?

To wrap this up, things get even worse, to the point that their log buoy of experiences we never even witnessed or given a chance to care about is destroyed. Then, oh crap, the REAL Voyager is approaching. Not-Harry, Not-Seven, and Not-Neelix try to hold the ship together for just five more minutes, but they fail. Voyager arrives...12 hours after receiving the distress call (couldn't have gone a little faster, Kathy?), and find nothing. So, in what some fans describe as a "tear-jerking moment", Janeway just makes a note of it in the log and heads off.


You know why this episode failed? Because we just couldn't care about them. We just get one episode with the duplicates and discussion of events we never even saw. You know what COULD have been a thrilling twist? Have half the season follow these duplicates, and have the big reveal in the last five minutes like a good Twilight Zone episode. But, alas, Voyager rarely made use of its good ideas.


How does this episode rate? Slightly-below average.

Welcome

Hello, I'm Lieutenant Fedora.

For as far back as I can remember, I've been a fan of science-fiction.  As one of my professors stated, it is the "genre of ideas". It's not always about tech or aliens or screwdrivers; it is about a fundamental idea that drives the universe.

If you've met me, you will most certainly know I am a fan of Star Trek. Favorite movie: Wrath of Khan. Favorite series: DS9. Favorite episodes: Best of Both Worlds, City on the Edge of Forever, Sacrifice of Angels. That being said, there is quite a bit of Trek that is just...awful. Enterprise comes to mind, and sadly, Enterprise was the only series I was able to watch when it originally aired. At least once a week, I will provide my thoughts on specific episodes, usually the bad ones, but if I'm in the mood, I'll review a good episode from DS9 or TNG.

Now, for this matter. If you are reading this, Chuck "sfdebris" Sonnenberg, know that I have the utmost respect for you and your Opinionated Trek Reviews. I am sure there is room on the internet for multiple Trek reviewers. For starters, I will make the effort to not cover episodes you have already reviewed. With that, I shall soon be posting my reviews.

First up: Course: Oblivion