Armed with nothing but his fedora, his scarf, and his d20, Lieutenant Fedora tackles some of the lowest points of Star Trek, examining the wasted potential, filling the plot holes, and providing a level of humour to these discussions.
I've decided to take a break from episodes to go into characters. To start this series off, I'm going into my favorite captain. The Captain of the USS Black Sheep of Star Trek: Benjamin Lafayette Sisko.
Voyager's gone?! Damn! If only Starfleet sent me instead!
Ever since the first black woman on Star Trek merely pushed buttons and said one line over and over, the franchise has had at least one black person in the main cast. Sometimes they were okay, like Geordi. Sometimes they were bloody annoying, like Travis. Sometimes you just forgot they even existed, like Jake. That being said, I knew from the moment I watched "Emissary" in its entirety that Sisko was going to be the best one.
The show opened with quite possibly the strongest characterization of any captain, far better than Picard saying "Keep me the hell away from children!" We see Sisko standing as first officer of a ship at the Battle of Wolf 359. It does not go well after one minute, and he's forced to evacuate his family. Though he finds his son alive, his wife, Jennifer, is dead. As Jake is carried away, Sisko literally has to be dragged off the ship, from the arms of his dead wife. Right then, I realized how underrated an actor Avery Brooks is.
Here are some more reason why I find him to be the best captain. Some more will be posted later, but for now:
1) He's not the "black" captain: Unlike Voyager, which took its first moments to tell us that Janeway is a woman, and the best, Sisko never was the "black captain" to me. Having seen every episode of DS9, I can come up with at most two instances in which his race was brought up. The first was in "The Search, Part I", where Sisko unpacks some African artifacts he had in storage on Earth. The second was in "Badda-Bing, Badda-Boom". Sisko said that his problem with Vic's holoprogram is that he believes it misrepresents the 1960s, a time in which black people would not be customers in a Las Vegas nightclub. Wow, you know it does say a bit that a black man in the 24th Century is still peeved by silly 20th Century racism (the Benny Russell episodes don't count, since it wasn't really Sisko). Still, in "Caretaker", Janeway said she didn't like being called "sir". Never in "Emissary" did Sisko say something about how he was "black" or something.
Had the Jem'Hadar seen this, they'd been running
back to the Gamma Quadrant.
2) Best suited for the job at hand: To me, the best captains were the ones who felt like they truly belonged there. Kirk was the swashbuckler, riding around the galaxy on his mast. Picard was the officer and a gentleman, the man who stands by his principles. The other two captains peeved me in this way: Janeway was a scientist selected for a counter-terrorism mission with no established combat training and Archer was an arrogant prick who got the center seat just because his dad's name was on the engine. In "Emissary", Picard established that Sisko spent three years at Utopia Planitia Shipyards. Thus, we learned he's a construction foreman, the man who builds. What better choice for the reconstruction of an entire world, and especially the space station in orbit?
3) A father to his men: This is best exemplified in "Rocks and Shoals". The crew gets stranded on a remote planet, where a Jem'Hadar patrol has also crashed. Sisko doesn't just have Dr. Baltar Bashir examine Jadzia when she gets injured. He takes part in a display of loyalty to his own soldiers, mostly by behaving like a busboy in a hotel. Nevertheless, it is a highly touching scene, showing just how much he cares for them. It also shows that, unlike Picard, who's the colonel that stays at his tent and looks at maps, Sisko is the line officer that gets down and dirty with his men. He leads the charge in all major battles of the Dominion War that we see and immensely despises his tenure at a desk for the first few episodes of Season Six.
Allow me to thank the Cardassian architect. They know
how to respect the commander.
4) A flawed leader: When I rewatched "Caretaker", I soon came to realize why I cannot stand Janeway: she's a perfect character. She is the best science officer in Starfleet and has a handsome fiance back home. In one of her first scenes, she stops a warp core breach (something that we've seen Scotty and Geordi stop a hundred times). In one of his first scenes, Sisko is barely able to control himself when he receives his briefing from Picard, as he indirectly killed his wife. We quickly see just how flawed he is. He lost his wife, he has to raise his son on his own now, he wants nothing more than to sit behind a desk and wait for his career to end, and suddenly the Bajorans proclaim that he's their Messiah. By the end of the pilot, he's managed to overcome a couple problems (mainly his dislike for Picard). Still, the death of his wife would come up a few more times in the series and more importantly, we see him gradually warm up to his role as the Emissary.
5) Dukat...you magnificent bastard, I read your BOOK!: The best protagonists are ones who have an equal, someone who is like them on almost every level. Unlike Q was to Picard, Dukat was a mortal man, just like Sisko (until of course he went insane and turned into the Anti-Christ, but that's something for later). Sisko had his opposite in Dukat. The moment he walked into his old office, I was aware that Dukat was someone who was on the level with Sisko; the way he just strolled around and gave the obvious hint that he wanted it back. In Season 2, we saw the two working together; Sisko was never able to tell if Dukat was being truthful. By the end of Season 5, they had reached a point in their status as adversaries that they could read each other's intentions. Dukat walked into the office and found Sisko's baseball still sitting there, a message that he would return. Yes, Dukat explained the motif, but, as my screenwriting professors said, viewers are idiots. Plus, it's television. What can you do? Back to Dukat, he was in many ways what Sisko could be: the Supreme Ruler of a galactic empire, a man who is feared. I read once that the Cardassians represent what humanity could become, rather than the idealized version.
Well, that's all I have for now. If I wrote any more reasons on how Sisko is possibly the best of the captains, I could publish my own book. Naturally, if you think Sisko was a piece of crap, that's your opinion. I disagree, but I shall read why you think so.
I'll go into the other captains later. This is Lieutenant Fedora, wishing you all a good day.
The year was 1993. While my parents and I were living at my grandmother's, Star Trek: The Next Generation was in its sixth season. During that time, Rick Berman launched a spin-off which would overlap with the series' continuity, giving birth to what would end up proving to be Star Trek's finest series: Deep Space 9. Already, Emissary introduced complex characters, story arcs, and inter-character adversarial relations (although sfdebris already covered Emissary, I might take a look at it later). By its end, while fans would consider it the "black sheep" of the franchise (although it is far superior to the first two seasons of Enterprise), DS9 would prove to be the strongest series in terms of character, plot, writing, and acting.
That being said, Season 1 is most certainly the weakest of the series. I've noticed this with quite a few shows, and to be fair, it is pretty excusable. After all, a show is just starting out, trying to establish characters, settings, direction, etc. However, unlike TNG, VOY, or ENT, DS9 had a significant amount of strong episodes in its first season. These include the pilot, Duet (one of my favorites), Captive Pursuit, Progress, and In The Hands of the Prophets. The "bad" episodes were mostly the result of the writing staff attempting to draw in the TNG audience, resulting in the Duras sisters and Q making guest appearances. While this worked well to establish the continuity (the Enterprise-D made two trips to DS9 during its last two seasons), these episodes...somewhat failed to deliver. For the most part Season 1 of DS9 fell prey to the Alien-of-the-Week Syndrome that mostly plagued TNG, damaged Voyager, and paralyzed Enterprise. With that, let's get to Move Along Home.
The episode opens with Ben putting on his dress uniform. Jake comes in and begins talking about his friendship with Nog, especially how they're starting to watch the Bajoran girls come to the station. Ben and Jake begin "the talk" (which my father and I never had, because I mostly taught myself thanks to TV and the internet). I don't know, Ben seems to be taking the first hint that Jake might grow up to be a stalker a little too leniently. Anyway, they're interrupted by the com-system. As it turns out, DS9 is receiving the first official delegation from the Gamma Quadrant. No, it's not a platoon of Jem'Hadar. They won't come in until next year, when the show manages to emerge from the shadow of TNG.
Ben heads down to the airlock with Kira, Jadzia, and Bashir. Bashir is fretting that he forgot to pack his dress uniform. Odd, considering they've been on the station for a few months at least and he hasn't even replicated a new uniform. The Aliens-of-the-Week arrive. They're called the Wadi, but as they love games, I'm just going to call them gamers. Gaming is my way of life, and hopefully I will be able to find work within the gaming community after I graduate. So many worlds to create, campaigns to build, Allied ships to sink, stone to collect...
The Wadi. They have +5 to diplomacy, +6 to intelligence,
and -5 to fashion and makeup.
Where was I? Oh yes. The gamers head off in search of Quark's, as it's the only place on the station for games. You kind of would think things like DnD and World of Darkness would survive well into the 24th Century. Ben feels a sense of shame, as this is again the first diplomatic meeting from the Gamma Quadrant and it's nothing like how it should go in the book. You know what you do when you face a planet of gamers, Ben? You challenge them to a game! When in Rome, do as the Romans do (a phrase which no alien has yet to understand)! But, he decides he's had enough sulking and heads to bed so he can have "the talk" with Jake in the morning.
Meanwhile, Quark is getting worried because the gamers are winning at dabo (which is essentially Ferengi roulette). News flash, Quark: there is no game that a group of students who spend Friday nights fighting orcs and collecting gold cannot master. He tries to do what a Ferengi always does: cheat. Of course, it's noticed and the gamers threaten Quark. The cheating bastard! They restrain him, but he is able to talk his way out of being thrown out the nearest airlock. They challenge him to a new game. The name of it doesn't really matter. I'm just going to call it a family friendly version of Cube.
You awaken in a dungeon! Confronting you is...
a dragon!
Ben wakes up in what is not a giant Rubik's cube of death and does the exact opposite of the Voyager crew when confronted with something bizarre: he exercises all possibilities like calling Ops before opening his tricorder. He tries the doors and sees the gamemaster who cryptically says "move along home!" Ben hurries down the hallway to find early show Bashir screaming (it's what early show Bashir is best at). They also find Kira and Jadzia in the hallway, realizing this is not normal at all. They decide to split up and see what they can discover. Alright, guys: first rule of gaming is you never split up the party!
In the morning, Jake heads down to see Odo. It seems that Ben disappeared. Odo tells Jake he'll find his dad, after which the glorified guest star of DS9 heads off to watch girls come aboard the station. Ben, when you're done RPing, you better have a chat with your son about how stalking is wrong. Anyway, Odo begins to investigate as any detective would. He goes up to Ops, where Lieutenant Primmin is not the least bit concerned that four members of the senior staff failed to show up for duty. Wow, what incompetence. We all know what happens to incompetent members of Sisko's crew: they get shipped off to Siberia the USS Voyager!
No, Commissar! I wasn't saying unflattering things
about Comrade Sisko!
Remember how I compared this episode to Cube earlier? Well, fun fact: the math girl in the first movie ended up playing Ezri in Season 7. Here's another tidbit: they had only one cube set for the entire shoot. All scenes in cubes with a specific color had to be filmed altogether, as it was incredibly time-consuming to remove the gel sheets from the walls of the cube. The first film was one of the most terrifying things I saw. I know the sequels were released after 2000, but I hope the Nostalgia Critic reviews them. What ruined those two was revealing the outside world to the people inside the Cube, and showing how the thing worked. What made it terrifying was that it was so unknown.
Why am I talking about Cube? Because anyone of the trap scenes was better than the scene I need to discuss now. It is one of the scenes that may qualify as the worst moment in Star Trek, and probably when the actors had doubts on whether they made the right choice to be on DS9.
Was that painful? I hope it was. Take solace in the fact that DS9 got much better after this.
Odo goes down to the bar to check on Quark, who is...winning? I think? Anyway, Odo reveals that four senior officers are missing, and then Quark eyes the four pieces on the game board. Thus, they realize that this is more than a game.
I want to go back to the Blue Room! I don't like the
red ones.
Meanwhile, Sisko and the others head into the room that is filled with sound-activated spikes, oh wait, sorry, a room full of partying gamers. The room begins filled with some kind of gas and the gamers are just laughing about. Bashir takes a wild guess and discovers that the drinks the gamers have are actually the antidote. After this, Odo heads aboard the Wadi ship to try to find the crewmembers. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the last we'll ever see of Lieutenant Primmin before he was shipped off to die on the USS Voyager.
Odo finds a bizarre chamber, but it's a subspace...flux...portal...thing...and it just sends him back to Quark's. He arrives just in time to see Quark roll a natural one on his die. Back in the Rubik's Cube of Death, they activate the light room and Bashir is whisked away somewhere. Back in his bar, Quark realizes the stakes here. He decides to take the shorter path (which will double the peril, but double his winnings and get them "home" in one turn). He gets Odo to blow on his dice (which you should never do in game). Unfortunately, our Lord and Savior, Gary Gygax, is not with him tonight and he rolls another natural one. Meaning...someone's going to die!
No! I'll never be a pain in Makeup again!
What follows is a bit of Quark kneeling before the gamemaster, saying he'll never cheat again. I'll admit, this is a nice bit of characterization, showing that Quark does have something resembling a conscious within that four-lobed brain of his. Sadly, this nice little moment cannot save an episode this stupid. The gamemaster programs the game to select a player to be killed. Back in the Cube, Ben, Kira, and Jadzia here Bashir...somewhere. They run towards him but find a massive cave instead. What kind of game is this, with caves built into Rubik's Cubes of Death?
Anyway, they all fall down into a cavern and the four materialize in Quark's. Quark assumes he's won, but this actually means he lost. Damn, don't you hate it when you failed the quest? The girl dies, you don't get as much experience or gold. I hate it when that happens...
I'll tell YOU how much gold I'll be getting for this adventure!
So, the gamers pack up and leave. Because of Quark being on his knees, saying that he cheated, Odo reveals to Ben who started this all. Ben ends the episode with a look that he's about to bitchslap the hell out of Quark, before throwing him into the nearest airlock. But, as is with all aliens-of-the-week episodes, the gamers head off on their ship and are neeeeeeeeever seen or heard from again. I have a theory that they might work as strategists in the Dominion military, but that is a matter for the writers of fanfics, like me.
This episode is a classic example of how boring and stupid early DS9 was. But, I can't really blame them. Despite its flaws, TNG was still the better watched show and it was difficult to bring in audience members. The episodes with the Duras sisters and Q were a bit more painful to sit through, as anyone could have filled their roles in the respective episodes (though, the Duras episode did have the first appearance of Garak...). Still, I can forgive the writers and producers who greenlit this piece. After all, by the end of next season, we would have an explosive intro to what would be Star Trek's finest story arc: the Dominion conflict.
For a franchise that has been known for bringing attention to social issues such as segregation and the effects of war, there is one field Star Trek has somewhat failed to deliver in: homosexuality.
Since TNG, there had been plans for gay characters on the shows, such as Geordi and Malcolm from Enterprise, but these plans never came to light. Personally, I think it would have been better if they had a lesbian character; after all, lesbians are a bit more mainstream in media and far more appealing to sexually-deprived teenage males.
Of course, as it is the 24th Century, I have the theory that by then, homosexuality has become so commonplace in human and Federation society that it is a non-issue. But then, I realized that there have been homosexual characters on Star Trek: the Ferengi! According to one of the Rules of Acquisition, you should always have sex with the boss. As only men could make profit, and all the bosses were men…uh, you can draw your own conclusions.
Now then, I am going to be upfront and say that I enjoyed the Ferengi episodes of DS9, which is my favorite Trek series. In a series that explored the darker elements of the Alpha Quadrant, the Ferengi episodes provided some much needed levity during the Dominion infiltration and Klingon war arcs. That being said, I’ve noticed that there is one Ferengi episode that is nearly as universally hated as Threshold, quite possibly the worst episode of DS9 (I’ve seen all of DS9, and I felt it had much fewer bad episodes; most episodes that would qualify as “bad” were just boring). Is “Profit and Lace” as bad as people make it out to be? Well, let’s find out!
Just don't read the fine-r print.
The episode opens with Quark doing what he does best: soliciting sex from his Dabo girls. However, he is cockblocked by his brother, Rom. I will go on record saying that Rom is one of my favorite DS9 characters, alongside Damar, Garak, Dukat, Weyoun, Martok…
Rom says that he tried to contact their mother on Ferenginar, but all communications were down. He could not contact anyone on their homeworld. They immediately suspect the worst: the Dominion attacked Ferenginar! Oh no! Think of all the atrocities they can commit with the damp vegetation, the ketracel-white produced by beetle snuff, the impressive slave labor at the backs of the Ferengi!
And at the conclusion of this scene which is the only time we'll really see any other of the main cast (it is a Ferengi episode, after all), we learn that Zek and Quark's mother, Ishka, have arrived at the station. Well Ben, Worf, Jadzia, and Nerys, thanks for at the very least reminding us that there is a war going on.
As it turns out, a few days ago, Zek instituted an amendment to the Ferengi Bill of Opportunities. It permitted women to wear clothing. However, for 10,000 years, Ferengi society has been incredibly male-oriented and women were not even allowed to leave the house. Pretty much think turn-of-the-century America, but with far more oppression of women. So, Zek's sudden addition to the Bill of Rights Opportunities has caused such an uproar that the entire planetary social network to shut down.
Grand Nagus Brunt? Inconceivable!
For the most part, I enjoyed the Ferengi Social Legislation Arc of DS9. It helped represent things like women's suffrage and the progressive movement. Still, I am deeply surprised the idea did not come to any of the male Ferengi sooner, that if women can earn profit, the economy will be far stronger. But, for all we know, a bunch of old sticks-in-the-mud assassinated those Ferengi. Anyway, it turns out that the Ferengi Commerce Authority has overthrown Zek and is set to install Brunt as the new Grand Nagus. Brunt has been described by his actor, the amazing Jeffrey Combs, as the "IRS guy from Hell".
Zek's plan is to contact every member of the FCA to discuss his new amendment. Then, Ishka will run the meeting. If they can get one of the board members to listen to Ishka's vast instinct for profit, he might be able to halt the installation of Brunt. We then get a montage of Quark, Rom, and Nog (Rom's son, the first Ferengi in Starfleet) contacting all the board members and not hearing the people on the screens. This scene is good; the conversations go from optimistic to "oh crap" in the span of seconds.
Grr! Two alien roles on one show. What's next? Blue skin
and a set of antennae?
After what we assume to be hours, Quark, Rom, and Nog are only able to get one board member to come to the station. It's the owner of Ferengi Coca-Cola. Then, Brunt enters the bar. We keep the running joke of Acting Grand Nagus Brunt before he begins breaking Rule of Evil #47: NEVER taunt your opposition. It only serves to strengthen their resolve. With that, Quark has an argument with Ishka. Being the least progressive character in Star Trek history, Quark tries to show authority over his own mother (how does that work?) to the point she has a heart attack. No, literally, she has a heart attack.
Brunt proceeds to rub it in, only further strengthening their resolve to make this work. Quark is guilt ridden about this, which leads him to agree that the plan must succeed. But, with the female gone, how will they find another one who is just as business savvy as Ishka? Sadly, they call on the talents of Doctor Bashir (who also directed this episode). Bashir uses his never-before mentioned skills at sex-change operations (no, I don't mean a simple cosmetic surgery; I mean complete male-to-female holy-crap-he-went-all-the-way) to produce within a few hours (what usually takes months of preparation)...this.
Hail, hail Robonia, a land I didn't make up!
I'm sorry, but it is just nauseating to see Quark in drag like this. Dressing in drag is one of those things that should be either funny or serious, not both. If it's completely funny, you have Some Like It Hot. If it's completely serious, you have someone exploring the gender gap. The problem here is seeing a character who has been a staple of the program for six years wearing something so...unbelievably hideous...trying to do a comedic bit while tackling an enormous issue for Ferengi society. If this episode went all the way with comedy, it might have been good. If it went all the way with seriousness, it would have been better. Rules of Acquisition pulled off the drag bit by having it be completely serious. This is trying to be both, and fails.
What follows is some attempts at comedy of having Zek, Leeta, and Rom teach Quark in the art of being a woman. Rom shows off his effeminate side (remember how I said the Ferengi are the first gay race?), but he lacks the knowledge for profit to pull off being the female that is needed. Then, oh no! The board member has arrived a day early!
Nog tries to stall for time with the board member, but he wants to see the female. We then get what sends this episode into the ground. Quark speaks with the board member about how women wearing clothes will improve Ferengi society. After a while, he only wants to get into Quark's panties. However, Brunt has realized that Quark is cross-dressing and tries to tell the board member. Quark responds by...opening his dress. I guess he went all the way for what would be at most a day.
Oh, Rene! I asked for a raise and this was their response?!
After a night that is best left out of our imagination, Quark is right back to normal, with some hormonal imbalances that will ease up soon and a life-changing experience that will neeeeeeeeever be brought up again. Odo enters. I like Odo and Quark's rivalry that spanned the entire series. We get Quark still being a little femmy and this look of discomfort on Odo's face. And just like the hormones, this will neeeeeeeeeever be spoken of ever again. This marks one of the few times on DS9 when they will follow Voyager's example of not bringing up defining character moments (the other one that comes to mind is O'Brien's 20 years in prison).
Zek and Ishka enter, revealing that the board has decided to keep Zek as Grand Nagus. The plan worked. Ishka tells Quark he made a wonderful daughter (from not even witnessing Quark's action). He has some character traits which will disappear through the wormhole, up until the penultimate episode when Ferengi society changes forever and he essentially stays a stick-in-the-mud.
Well, that was a bit painful. This episode could have been good. Ferengi society is changing for the better, and they try to be serious and comedic with it. Neither can be used at the same time when you involve cross-dressing. It needs to be either comedic or serious. One last thing: this was the last thing Alexander Siddig directed not just on Deep Space 9, but ever. He never directed again afterwards. I wonder why...
