Profit and Lace

For a franchise that has been known for bringing attention to social issues such as segregation and the effects of war, there is one field Star Trek has somewhat failed to deliver in: homosexuality.

Since TNG, there had been plans for gay characters on the shows, such as Geordi and Malcolm from Enterprise, but these plans never came to light. Personally, I think it would have been better if they had a lesbian character; after all, lesbians are a bit more mainstream in media and far more appealing to sexually-deprived teenage males.

Of course, as it is the 24^th Century, I have the theory that by then, homosexuality has become so commonplace in human and Federation society that it is a non-issue. But then, I realized that there have been homosexual characters on Star Trek: the Ferengi! According to one of the Rules of Acquisition, you should always have sex with the boss. As only men could make profit, and all the bosses were men…uh, you can draw your own conclusions.

Now then, I am going to be upfront and say that I enjoyed the Ferengi episodes of DS9, which is my favorite Trek series. In a series that explored the darker elements of the Alpha Quadrant, the Ferengi episodes provided some much needed levity during the Dominion infiltration and Klingon war arcs. That being said, I’ve noticed that there is one Ferengi episode that is nearly as universally hated as Threshold, quite possibly the worst episode of DS9 (I’ve seen all of DS9, and I felt it had much fewer bad episodes; most episodes that would qualify as “bad” were just boring). Is “Profit and Lace” as bad as people make it out to be? Well, let’s find out!

Just don't read the fine-r print.

The episode opens with Quark doing what he does best: soliciting sex from his Dabo girls. However, he is cockblocked by his brother, Rom. I will go on record saying that Rom is one of my favorite DS9 characters, alongside Damar, Garak, Dukat, Weyoun, Martok…

Rom says that he tried to contact their mother on Ferenginar, but all communications were down. He could not contact anyone on their homeworld. They immediately suspect the worst: the Dominion attacked Ferenginar! Oh no! Think of all the atrocities they can commit with the damp vegetation, the ketracel-white produced by beetle snuff, the impressive slave labor at the backs of the Ferengi!

And at the conclusion of this scene which is the only time we'll really see any other of the main cast (it is a Ferengi episode, after all), we learn that Zek and Quark's mother, Ishka, have arrived at the station. Well Ben, Worf, Jadzia, and Nerys, thanks for at the very least reminding us that there is a war going on.

As it turns out, a few days ago, Zek instituted an amendment to the Ferengi Bill of Opportunities. It permitted women to wear clothing. However, for 10,000 years, Ferengi society has been incredibly male-oriented and women were not even allowed to leave the house. Pretty much think turn-of-the-century America, but with far more oppression of women. So, Zek's sudden addition to the Bill of Rights Opportunities has caused such an uproar that the entire planetary social network to shut down.

Grand Nagus Brunt? Inconceivable!

For the most part, I enjoyed the Ferengi Social Legislation Arc of DS9. It helped represent things like women's suffrage and the progressive movement. Still, I am deeply surprised the idea did not come to any of the male Ferengi sooner, that if women can earn profit, the economy will be far stronger. But, for all we know, a bunch of old sticks-in-the-mud assassinated those Ferengi. Anyway, it turns out that the Ferengi Commerce Authority has overthrown Zek and is set to install Brunt as the new Grand Nagus. Brunt has been described by his actor, the amazing Jeffrey Combs, as the "IRS guy from Hell".

Zek's plan is to contact every member of the FCA to discuss his new amendment. Then, Ishka will run the meeting. If they can get one of the board members to listen to Ishka's vast instinct for profit, he might be able to halt the installation of Brunt. We then get a montage of Quark, Rom, and Nog (Rom's son, the first Ferengi in Starfleet) contacting all the board members and not hearing the people on the screens. This scene is good; the conversations go from optimistic to "oh crap" in the span of seconds.

Grr! Two alien roles on one show. What's next? Blue skin
and a set of antennae?

After what we assume to be hours, Quark, Rom, and Nog are only able to get one board member to come to the station. It's the owner of Ferengi Coca-Cola. Then, Brunt enters the bar. We keep the running joke of Acting Grand Nagus Brunt before he begins breaking Rule of Evil #47: NEVER taunt your opposition. It only serves to strengthen their resolve. With that, Quark has an argument with Ishka. Being the least progressive character in Star Trek history, Quark tries to show authority over his own mother (how does that work?) to the point she has a heart attack. No, literally, she has a heart attack.

Brunt proceeds to rub it in, only further strengthening their resolve to make this work. Quark is guilt ridden about this, which leads him to agree that the plan must succeed. But, with the female gone, how will they find another one who is just as business savvy as Ishka? Sadly, they call on the talents of Doctor Bashir (who also directed this episode). Bashir uses his never-before mentioned skills at sex-change operations (no, I don't mean a simple cosmetic surgery; I mean complete male-to-female holy-crap-he-went-all-the-way) to produce within a few hours (what usually takes months of preparation)...this.

Hail, hail Robonia, a land I didn't make up!

I'm sorry, but it is just nauseating to see Quark in drag like this. Dressing in drag is one of those things that should be either funny or serious, not both. If it's completely funny, you have Some Like It Hot. If it's completely serious, you have someone exploring the gender gap. The problem here is seeing a character who has been a staple of the program for six years wearing something so...unbelievably hideous...trying to do a comedic bit while tackling an enormous issue for Ferengi society. If this episode went all the way with comedy, it might have been good. If it went all the way with seriousness, it would have been better. Rules of Acquisition pulled off the drag bit by having it be completely serious. This is trying to be both, and fails.

What follows is some attempts at comedy of having Zek, Leeta, and Rom teach Quark in the art of being a woman. Rom shows off his effeminate side (remember how I said the Ferengi are the first gay race?), but he lacks the knowledge for profit to pull off being the female that is needed. Then, oh no! The board member has arrived a day early!

Nog tries to stall for time with the board member, but he wants to see the female. We then get what sends this episode into the ground. Quark speaks with the board member about how women wearing clothes will improve Ferengi society. After a while, he only wants to get into Quark's panties. However, Brunt has realized that Quark is cross-dressing and tries to tell the board member. Quark responds by...opening his dress. I guess he went all the way for what would be at most a day.

Oh, Rene! I asked for a raise and this was their response?!

After a night that is best left out of our imagination, Quark is right back to normal, with some hormonal imbalances that will ease up soon and a life-changing experience that will neeeeeeeeever be brought up again. Odo enters. I like Odo and Quark's rivalry that spanned the entire series. We get Quark still being a little femmy and this look of discomfort on Odo's face. And just like the hormones, this will neeeeeeeeeever be spoken of ever again. This marks one of the few times on DS9 when they will follow Voyager's example of not bringing up defining character moments (the other one that comes to mind is O'Brien's 20 years in prison).

Zek and Ishka enter, revealing that the board has decided to keep Zek as Grand Nagus. The plan worked. Ishka tells Quark he made a wonderful daughter (from not even witnessing Quark's action). He has some character traits which will disappear through the wormhole, up until the penultimate episode when Ferengi society changes forever and he essentially stays a stick-in-the-mud.

Well, that was a bit painful. This episode could have been good. Ferengi society is changing for the better, and they try to be serious and comedic with it. Neither can be used at the same time when you involve cross-dressing. It needs to be either comedic or serious. One last thing: this was the last thing Alexander Siddig directed not just on Deep Space 9, but ever. He never directed again afterwards. I wonder why...

Score as a GPA: 1.5