I was a fan of Enterprise.
As a twelve year old growing up in the first year of a post-9/11 world, it provided a level of escapism for me. Of course, being trapped by that escapism, I failed to realize (or if I did, deeply suppressed it) that the first two seasons...SUCKED. It was worse than Voyager. Archer was a colossal idiot that I am starting to think was created solely to make Janeway look good. In the first season alone, he betrayed Earth's only ally, nearly started a war between Vulcan and Andorian, essentially condemned a race to extinction, and made more enemies than friends. I'll go in-depth to these incidents later on.
Season 3 really picked up. The Xindi arc had me glued to my couch. Season 4 was a massive improvement. Then, the morning after United, I saw on startrek.com that the show was cancelled. My dad thought it was a joke. I hoped they could get as many Federation-founding related stuff before the finale. The mirror episodes and the Terra Prime arc were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Then...the finale.
When it was over, I think I was trying to hide the fact that it was so awful. It is the final insult that Rick Berman and Brannon Braga bestowed upon the fans that had followed for eighteen years. It's almost as though duplicates of them that had written Threshold and A Night In Sickbay got together to write the absolute worst forty minutes of Star Trek ever. Considering that until JJ Abrams decides what's next, this is essentially the final episode of Star Trek ever. It deserved better than this. It NEEDED better than this. Now, before I go mad and start killing cops on the street of Liberty City, let's get this episode done.
So, we open on the good ol' NX-01. First thing we notice is that everything is different. The uniforms, the personalities, even Hoshi's hair. Hmm, I wonder if she came out of the closet during the interim six years that we will probably never see... It could also explain why both she and Ensign "I've Been In Space!" Mayweather are still ensigns.
Anyway, it's about a week before the historic founding of the United Federation of Planets. Archer seems to have completely done away with his jerkassness and is writing his speech. Make note to mentions of his speech. Suddenly, the intercom tells all senior officers to report to the bridge. Which is odd...considering almost all officers are on the bridge. We then see...Commander Riker.
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Ensign Riker: I saved everyone from the Borg, and this is the thanks I get? |
No, it turns out that...sadly...THIS is the finale of Enterprise. The crew of the NX-01 are reduced to holodeck representations of them. It's actually a Riker and Troi subplot, from the TNG episode Pegasus. A subplot, which is completely unnecessary and even seems to contradict events of that episode. We followed Riker for almost the entirety of Pegasus, and this suggests that he spent all his time on the holodeck. Who the hell was Admiral John Locke talking to all that time?
Riker and Troi make some admirations for the NX-01 crew, with Troi suggesting that he take the role of Chef. Chef was like Morn; he was the character everyone talked about, but we never saw. There are rumours that we never saw him because he was going to be played by William Shatner. Talk about a missed moment of awesome.
Anyway, thanks to the wonders of exposition, Archer says that Shran has been dead for three years, only to find him alive. Commander Shran, Hero of the Imperial Guard, Savior of Earth, Architect of the Coalition of Planets...has become a thief. Yes, Berman and Braga have ruined one of Star Trek's best recurring characters with off-screen exposition. Makes me wish Brunt will revoke their business licenses.
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| From hero to zero. Makes perfect sense! |
As it turns out, Shran left the Imperial Guard because he made some "deals with people he shouldn't have". Archer still owes him a favour (from...what was it, six years prior?) and reveals that he had a daughter, who has been kidnapped. The girls is the daughter of Jhamel, from The Aenar, who Shran got with right after his girlfriend was killed. I guess Andorians have a very short rebound period.
Shran comes aboard and explains his problem. This scene completely destroys the character. Why would a decorated officer of an elite military need to resort to shady business deals? Also, this guy spent months searching for Enterprise in the Expanse. Some common thieves took his daughter in the middle of the night while he was in the next room. Really, Shran? Combat veteran, and you can't even protect your own daughter? If they were looking for you, shouldn't you keep her in the same room as yourself?
Riker becomes Chef and has a heart-to-heart with T'Pol. For some reason, the focus of this episode is Commander Tucker, who we learn in THIS episode dropped out of college and learned about engineering from motor boats. While Starfleet trains its officers in warp drive technology, I would think they would want to get people with a strong grasp of mathematics. If I was Dean of Admissions, I'd throw him to guard duty. Back to this "scene", T'Pol discusses how she's embraced that humans follow their instinct rather than orders. A very nice bit, if it were not for the fact that this issue has already been addressed! In Redemption, Data followed his instinct, exposing the Romulan involvement, and was congratulated by Picard for following his instinct.
I'm going to mostly skip the TNG scenes, even though that's where the focus of the episode is (and the focus of Enterprise is Trip, of all people). Riker and Troi take a look around the NX-01, marveling at the technology that makes the cardboard sets of TNG seem outdated. Riker complains that there is no chair for the XO. Hmm. I'll hand it to the set designers of Enterprise. The bridge is similar to that of the Defiant, quite possibly the one ship that beats even the Enterprise in a match of awesomeness. The captain is the one in the center, no one else just the captain. I guess we know where Sisko got the inspiration for the design of his
bridge.
The two go to engineering, where Tucker is working on the warp reactor. Reed gives a little homage to TNG by saying "all good things". Then, Troi is saddened that Tucker didn't know he wouldn't come back.
I will divert a moment for this random image of River Song.
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| Spoilers! |
So, back to this "episode". Shran has T'Pol build a replica of some gem that the thieves believe he stole. The meeting point is going to be on Rigel X, which Archer points out, was the first planet that they ever visited and now it will be the last. For all the faults of this episode, I kind of do like this touch of poetry.
Riker takes a role as one of the MACOs, the space marines that came aboard Enterprise during Season 3. T'Pol and Tucker have a little chat. Tucker is still upset that T'Pol left him for Hoshi. Nevertheless, he still intends on coming to their wedding on Vulcan. Although same-sex marriages are quite common on both Earth and Vulcan, an interspecies wedding is beyond even the Vulcans. Still, for helping him get over the loss of his sister, Tucker vows that he will help lead the protests for interspecies equality.
Like that scene? Well, it didn't happen in the episode. They talk about their Season 3 romance as though they haven't spoken about it in six years. It's nice when you are able to come up with something better than what the writers had agreed on.
T'Pol and Shran go in to meet the thieves. The head thieve makes a diplomacy botch and believes T'Pol to be Shran's mate. I'm impressed by the restrain T'Pol had in not kicking his ass with that super-lesbian strength! Now, why am I calling both T'Pol and Hoshi lesbians? Because this is a horrible episode and I am trying to pass the time by making stuff up (and quite frankly, a gay character on the show is long overdue)!
The thieves hand Shran's daughter over and we get our last firefight between the MACOs and the thieves. Tucker nearly dies...oh, this must be the death Troi was talking about! Wait, no, Archer saves his ass. They all make it back to the ship. Shran and his daughter will soon leave, with the thieves' ships unable to get to Warp 2. Warp 2 is much slower than Warp 7, which is the Enterprise's new speed limit. Remember that.
Back to the TNG episode, Riker goes to Troi to tell her about the Pegasus project. This scene pretty much serves to establish that Section 31 had a hand in the cloaking device. NEXT! We get Riker back in the mess hall, talking to the NX-01 officers about Trip. Braga, next time you write a finale episode, make it about the ENTIRE CAST, not just one character who has his job despite not being able to solve basic algebra.
Archer and Tucker have some scotch on their last night on board. Suddenly, the aliens arrive! They confront Archer and Tucker and...during that entire time, Reed and the MACOs, who are the best soldiers of the Earth's Infantry Forces, are nowhere in sight. Tucker then does some stupid heroic sacrifice to save Archer and dies.
Because this episode is so universally hated by both the fans and the actors themselves, there are books (I quasi-consider some of the books to be canon) that indicate this holodeck is a revisionist fabrication. Tucker did not die, but the records were altered because he was assigned to Section 31 to steal some Romulan technology. That's a good version, because Tucker is killed off just like Data: killed off for the sake of getting killed off! Nice move once again, Berman!
We then cut to T'Pol packing Tucker's things. Archer comes in, and...just after one of their most trusted friends has died, neither are breaking a tear. After that...Tucker comes in to visit Chef Riker. And from their dialogue, this is from before they met Shran. So, why would Riker suddenly go all the way back to the beginning, for no reason than to confuse the audience? Well...no idea.
Now, to the Founding Ceremony of the Federation. Throughout the episode, there was talk that Archer is working really hard on his speech. Wow, this speech must be really great! Troi says that she had to memorize it in grammar school! Only three minutes left in the episode, will it be enough for a speech that hopefully will not have any gazelles? I sure hope so! Archer has one last hug with T'Pol (which seems to be the most uncaring hug ever given), who was unable to reserve a seat next to Hoshi in time. Archer has his dress shirt on. He exits the waiting room with great poise and...
Riker is ready to talk to Picard about the Pegasus. Wow, Berman and Braga. Way to spit in the face of the fans by not showing one of the greatest moments in the Star Trek universe. Then, we have Picard, Kirk, and Archer giving the "Space, the final frontier speech". I guess, they just wanted the Enterprise captains but...why not just have Archer give the entire speech? We've already heard the whole thing from Kirk and Picard! It's Archer's show! Let him say the thing!
GOD, was this a horrible episode! In addition to Threshold and some crossover film called "Star Trek-V", this episode has unofficially been struck from canon. You wanna know how I would end the episode? Have Archer give his speech, and then reveal that a classroom of children are watching it. The teacher asks a question. A young boy with brown hair answers in a Midwest accent. With it correct, the teacher says "Very good, James."
Rating for this episode is the same as John "Bluto" Blutarsky's grade point average: 0.0.
The NX-01 crew: where are they now?
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| Tucker: I just want to watch you guys. T'Pol: Trip, two's great but three's a crowd. |
Like that scene? Well, it didn't happen in the episode. They talk about their Season 3 romance as though they haven't spoken about it in six years. It's nice when you are able to come up with something better than what the writers had agreed on.
T'Pol and Shran go in to meet the thieves. The head thieve makes a diplomacy botch and believes T'Pol to be Shran's mate. I'm impressed by the restrain T'Pol had in not kicking his ass with that super-lesbian strength! Now, why am I calling both T'Pol and Hoshi lesbians? Because this is a horrible episode and I am trying to pass the time by making stuff up (and quite frankly, a gay character on the show is long overdue)!
The thieves hand Shran's daughter over and we get our last firefight between the MACOs and the thieves. Tucker nearly dies...oh, this must be the death Troi was talking about! Wait, no, Archer saves his ass. They all make it back to the ship. Shran and his daughter will soon leave, with the thieves' ships unable to get to Warp 2. Warp 2 is much slower than Warp 7, which is the Enterprise's new speed limit. Remember that.
Back to the TNG episode, Riker goes to Troi to tell her about the Pegasus project. This scene pretty much serves to establish that Section 31 had a hand in the cloaking device. NEXT! We get Riker back in the mess hall, talking to the NX-01 officers about Trip. Braga, next time you write a finale episode, make it about the ENTIRE CAST, not just one character who has his job despite not being able to solve basic algebra.
Archer and Tucker have some scotch on their last night on board. Suddenly, the aliens arrive! They confront Archer and Tucker and...during that entire time, Reed and the MACOs, who are the best soldiers of the Earth's Infantry Forces, are nowhere in sight. Tucker then does some stupid heroic sacrifice to save Archer and dies.
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| Sorry, Trip. These plasma burns aren't a preexisting condition. Your insurance won't cover it. |
Because this episode is so universally hated by both the fans and the actors themselves, there are books (I quasi-consider some of the books to be canon) that indicate this holodeck is a revisionist fabrication. Tucker did not die, but the records were altered because he was assigned to Section 31 to steal some Romulan technology. That's a good version, because Tucker is killed off just like Data: killed off for the sake of getting killed off! Nice move once again, Berman!
We then cut to T'Pol packing Tucker's things. Archer comes in, and...just after one of their most trusted friends has died, neither are breaking a tear. After that...Tucker comes in to visit Chef Riker. And from their dialogue, this is from before they met Shran. So, why would Riker suddenly go all the way back to the beginning, for no reason than to confuse the audience? Well...no idea.
Now, to the Founding Ceremony of the Federation. Throughout the episode, there was talk that Archer is working really hard on his speech. Wow, this speech must be really great! Troi says that she had to memorize it in grammar school! Only three minutes left in the episode, will it be enough for a speech that hopefully will not have any gazelles? I sure hope so! Archer has one last hug with T'Pol (which seems to be the most uncaring hug ever given), who was unable to reserve a seat next to Hoshi in time. Archer has his dress shirt on. He exits the waiting room with great poise and...
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| The NX-01 flies into space, far away from Rick Berman and Brannon Braga. |
GOD, was this a horrible episode! In addition to Threshold and some crossover film called "Star Trek-V", this episode has unofficially been struck from canon. You wanna know how I would end the episode? Have Archer give his speech, and then reveal that a classroom of children are watching it. The teacher asks a question. A young boy with brown hair answers in a Midwest accent. With it correct, the teacher says "Very good, James."
Rating for this episode is the same as John "Bluto" Blutarsky's grade point average: 0.0.
The NX-01 crew: where are they now?
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| Jonathan Archer served for two terms as President. He is remembered as one of the worst leaders ever. |
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T'Pol and Hoshi Sato got married on Vulcan. They cared for young Sarek, inspiring him to marry a human. |
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| Charles Tucker III died. For more information, contact the Deputy Director of Internal Affairs. |
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| Malcolm Reed succeeded President Archer and managed to fix the economy and stop a war with the Klingons. |
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| Travis Mayweather piloted the first ship to Warp 8.8 He was never seen or heard from again. |
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| Phlox lost his medical licence after an incident involving a human, a Pyrithian bat and a targ which went to a bar... |
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| Shran had a three-way with a Ferengi and a Vorta. Absolutely nothing came of it. |
*giggles at the ending*
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